For many years I looked at life like a case at law. It was a series of proofs. When you're young you prove how brave you are, or smart; then, what a good lover; then, a good father; finally, how wise, or powerful or [whatever.] But underlying it all, I see now, there was a presumption. That one moved... on an upward path toward some elevation, where... God know what... I would be justified, or even condemned. A verdict anyway. I think now that my disaster really began when I looked up one day... and the bench was empty. No judge in sight. And all that remained was the endless argument with oneself, this pointless litigation of existence before an empty bench... Which, of course, is another way of saying - despair.

- the character, Quentin, in After the Fall.

Labels: thoughts

Labels: friends, travel

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One of those sleepless nights where I just stare at my bedroom and listen to the yummy thunder and the impending rain.

Too. Much. Thoughts.

Labels: daily, home

SYLVIA PLATH

Ennui

Tea leaves thwart those who court catastrophe,
designing futures where nothing will occur:
cross the gypsy’s palm and yawning she
will still predict no perils left to conquer.
Jeopardy is jejune now: naïve knight
finds ogres out-of-date and dragons unheard
of, while blasé princesses indict
tilts at terror as downright absurd.

The beast in Jamesian grove will never jump,
compelling hero’s dull career to crisis;
and when insouciant angels play God’s trump,
while bored arena crowds for once look eager,
hoping toward havoc, neither pleas nor prizes
shall coax from doom’s blank door lady or tiger.


Page from Plath's copy of The Great Gatsby

Popo's conscious this morning. Knew her maths. Recognized her children and grand children. But still a wee bit delirious. Her hands were cold, so i held one tightly. And she squeezed my hand every now and then. She misses mahjong and we think she needs it too.

Had her first session of physiotherapy today. The physiotherapist was a gentle looking punjabi lady. She said that it's a slowly but surely process to recover. Hope so. Popo's belly was swelling - strangely. And it was really big. Constipation? Water retention? I don't know. I just know I want her to be okay.

Whilst she's recuperating in the hospital, my uncles and aunts decided to do a big clean up at home. Green Lane. Where I grew up. Where popo took care of us kiddos. Where we fought. Where she plucked a mini torned branch to cane us when we were too naughty. Where the garden was big in my memory. Where things amassed - call it junk, vintage or what. Things that was important to someone at one time. Things that was part of green lane's history, story, happenings. And we had to clear it - cuz it's not bringing good health and luck with all the junk piled up - says a geomancerish person who came to look at the home. It's a good, big and decent house. But just a little too cluttered with old things.

So my uncles and aunts cleared whilst I chipped in here and there or babysit the cousins. The karang guni spent hours poring through and weighing the wares - furniture, heavy equipment, Knick knacks.

My favorite part of the home is the garden - the work of popo - who has green fingers. She resurrects my family's potted plants.

My uncles and aunties sure know how to lighten the situation and make mundane and tedious stuff more fun and laughable.

Honestly, when I'm away, I do feel worried and felt like crying sometimes. But when I'm with them, I feel safer about the situation. So glad to have the family.

Just heard that popo's running a fever. It's okay, stay strong popo.

Labels: family, popo

Never been so scared about mortality before.
Popo please stay strong.

On thurs afternoon, Mark sent me a text to say that Popo was admitted to ICU, suspected stroke. Immediately, I called him and he said they're currently doing tests. I couldn't help myself from crying. Stayed in the office toilet for a few minutes. What happened to popo?

Rushed work and got to East Shore. There was a congregation at the corridor. My popo is a very social person and has many close friends and relatives. The sight of them comforted me to some extent. Didn't dare to go into the ward as I was a little flu-ish. Mum, uncle, aunt and bro went in to speak to the neurosurgeon. I stood outside and observed the discussion from the glass door. Each of them started imitating how Popo had her fits - first the doc, then my uncle, then my aunt. I mean it's quite funny watching them playing charades. Comic relief does help.

Friday
Visited her finally. Her eyes were open, but her speech wasn't clear. Suspect it's stroke as the doctor had arranged for a speech therapist. She looked fine, but her delirium worries me. Well, at least she could recognize us. I miss her old self. Please be well.

Sat
Apparently she was asking about her cousins in Hainan island. And really uncannily, they had just arrived Singapore for a short holiday. Just when popo was asking about them, they turned up! Telepathy. Popo's such a gregarious person, everyone's so connected to her. In her state of delirium, she was asking mummy to serve them barley and hainanese dishes she had cooked for everyone. Mum just played along and said yes. By the time I arrived in the evening, my aunt was trying to make her rest. Apparently the continuous visits she get didn't allow her rest. She was talking and talking the whole time. And it just gets more confusing each time. Poor thing, her leg was swollen and the doc extracted 220ml of fluid! And they discovered a fracture in her right knee. So she's now in a cast. I wondered if that pain triggered her fits. :(

Labels: family, popo

• korean rice wine & korean snacks for the movie


• 2 bottles of Long Flat and Lindemans muscato - cheapest and good!


• A regular brie and a walnut brie, rasins and crackers


• A bag of rolled oats & a tub of nectarines


• A pack of baby spinach & half a pumpkin


• 1 long japanese cucumber & a bag of carrots

Yits julienned the carrot and cucumber. PQ sliced the nectarines. Joel cut the pumpkin into cubes. Whilst I pretty much dished instructions around - flicking things off my memory and cross-referencing with the iphone. There was some competition going on - about who did the most work, who was useless, how I assigned jobs according to ability. Urgh, so funny. Although I didn't quite laugh out loud as often I'd love to - just focusing on the next steps!

In a timely fashion, the dinner meal rolled out nicely as such:

• Starting with muscato and the cheese plate. YUP, we totally brought the last course forward. Don't judget


• Baby spinach with roasted spiced pumpkin salad.


• Crispy rice cakes ala mos rice burger style which goes well with the bro's miso egg. Well this rice dish was a last minute add-on due to a sleight of hand and a twist of fate.


• Nectarine oatmeal crumble. Healthy twist on the typical flour crumble.

BURP. Then moved on to watch 3 movies in a row - Matilda, The Virgin Suicides and High Fidelity. It was a simple night - 3 friends coming together to make a meal. Although the wine and cheese totally busted our budgets, we did catch ourselves busting with laughter most of the time.

Worth it.

Labels: daily, food, friends

The alcohol effects have just worn off and now I can't sleep. The only thing my mind and body could think of now
Is a detox!!!!!

Darn.

I'm craving cold vegetable juice now at 5.06am.

Labels: daily

Labels: thoughts